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Be Ready Dot Gov

Tuesday 22 March 2005 om 01u33

This must be one of the funniest threads the funniest thread I have ever read. The thread is called “If you have set yourself on fire, do not run”.
I suddenly remembered it, by seeing someone changing a caption for an image. I read the thread for the first time a few years ago and I decided to make a compilation so everybody can laugh his ass off :)
Believe it or not, I spent about 10 hours creating this compilation, but it’s worth it :) This post contains about 17600 words and is about 100 kb (without the images).
I left out the animated gifs, the swf’s, the songs, the startrek crap, AD&D, …

Enjoy

History:

It all started when Oxidizing Material started the thread called If you have set yourself on fire, do not run on February 22, 2003, 05:42 PM (about 2 years ago that is). It’s a parody on the images you could find on http://www.ready.gov about terrorism.
Here they are, I have sorted them by image (57 images!) because the (by now) 35 page long thread takes too long to read (we are at postcount 840 as we speak).

ready dot gov parody

  • If you have set yourself on fire, do not run
  • Rhode Island nightclub ahead
  • Do not transform into a caped superhero while running
  • We didn’t start the fire.
  • No Mexican food allowed!
  • While on fire is not an appropriate time to show-off your “running man” dance moves.
  • If a giant parasitic flower attaches itself to your back, do not run.
  • Igniting your farts to help you run faster is not recommended.
  • You too can be a forest fire!
  • Don’t catch on fire!
  • In a news conference today, Ashcroft announced that the Administration is working on ways to ban the “Burning Man” festival in the interest of public morals.
  • If you catch fire, don’t run out into the open. Patriot missiles will lock on to you.
  • If there’s something strange, and it don’t look good, set it on fire and run away.
  • Warning: setting one’s own farts on fire will often result in self immolation. Do not attempt unless on Jackass
  • George Kirk makes his fatal mistake and turns his back on a Denevan parasite.
  • Please Do Not Feed the Dragons
  • even during times of war it is still illegal to set fire to people who look like they come from Iraq
  • Yep. C’mon Richard — ya gotta leave the rock ALONE!!
  • Do not lean too far forward on one foot while back is on fire.
  • AHHH MY ASS!!!
  • Always be careful with fireballs. Too close a range or backblast from obstacles can be hazardous to your health.
  • Do not practise at home or in a confined space.
  • The tribbles fight back.
  • Do not light your farts
  • If a dragon sneezes, get the hell out of the way!
  • Do not perform “running man” dance while standing/dancing on the pyrotechnics.
  • In case of Republicans, run as though your feet were on fire and your ass was catching.

ready dot gov parody

  • If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud
  • “Mom! Billy stole my last Bazooka Joe and shaved my head again!”
  • If your rowdy neighbor gets on your nerves, blow the whistle on him by reporting him as a suspected terrorist. That should fix his ass.
  • This way to the Republican convention.
  • Remember terrorists are frightened by loud whistles and shouting…or was that bears.
  • Remember your emergency duck calls.
  • People with hair may use whistles, but baldies will just have to yell themselves hoarse
  • No, sucking on a blow-pop will not help you get laid, so just quit hollering about it!
  • The “Marco Polo” childhood system of locating should be implemented in case of nuclear holocaust.
  • Beware! The terrorists will give out whistles that cause hair loss. If this happens, scream.
  • “Shhh…” “…iiiit”… “SHHIITT!”
  • WAAAAAAAASSSSSUUUUUUUUP!!!
  • To alert rescuers to your location, blow a whistle. If you’re Swiss, yodel.
  • While being attacked by terrorists, blowing a whistle may cause excessive amounts of hairloss. Shouting is a good alternative, but by that time you may have probably already lost all your hair from blowing that damn whistle!
  • HELP! HELP! I blew the whistle and my hair fell out!
  • Swallowing whistles to amuse your friends is not recommended.
  • While choking on a whistle, do not forget to yell for help.
  • if your whistle doesnt work, rip out your hair and scream like a dumbass.
  • The whistles go WOOO! blingBLING HOLLA!
  • “RI-CO-LAAAAAAA!!”
  • Caution: Playing with one’s tongue may cause baldness.
  • To the Bush administration, white kazoo players and black rappers look almost exactly the same.
  • Some of the effects of the radiation are positive. You may acquire the ability to use SONAR.
  • Kyle: “Don’t do it, Cartman!” Cartman: “Weeeeeeeeeeellllll, Kyle’s mom’s a bitch, she’s a big fat bitch…”
  • If you are smoking a bowl and the red hot embers fly out and burn all your hair off, scream for help
  • All aboard for the Reagan memorial tour. Roll up, roll up! Get your Reagan souvenirs here!
  • Little did young Tommy realize that his mother was serious when she shouted “Stop blowing that whistle in the house or I’m gonna snatch you bald-headed”.
  • If he gets you to blow him, he will NOT keep it secret.

ready dot gov parody

  • Being stoned causes terrorism
  • That ribbon dancing shit is just SO fucking lame.
  • In the advent of a Bush re-election, you have several options…
  • toxic vapors will be released in nice bright colors for easy identification
  • Let the terrorists know you laugh at their puny fumes by making the universal sign of “you choked!”
  • Do not feed pretzels or other food items obtained in the White House cafeteria to the animals on display in the Oval Office
  • Looks like the President’s been at the pretzels again.
  • terrorists can be easily identified by their unnatural mutant gas-vomiting abilities.
  • Should you be caught out and find yourself within sight of a Maypole Dancing event, choke yourself to death. You will know you’re doing it right when a yellow swirl appears in your peripheral vision.
  • Reggae music may induce vomiting
  • In the event of terrorists contaminating the air with hazardous chemicals, dont bother trying to escape it, instead help it along by choking yourself to death.
  • The fumes from French cuisine are 100% corrosive to the trachea and lungs. Avoid eye contact with French chefs, seek medical attention immediately at the nearest McDonald’s, and notify authorities.
  • According To President Bush, Pretzels and LSD may not mix well when trying to purge oneself of troublesome diplomacy and foreign policy.
  • Oprah is a billionaire?
  • If you are the head coach of the Oakland Raiders, keep in mind that exposing your players to the Super Bowl halftime show may adversely affect their performance
  • In case of finding oneself surrounded by toxic chemicals cut off its route to your vital organs by applying pressure on your jugular vein and throat simultaneously!
  • If your friend starts smoking “the weed” in your presence isolate your lungs from sin and be saved!
  • A Cloudkill spell is extremely toxic. Be careful which way the wind is blowing though.
  • S&M Handbook, Chapter 1: Self gratification. When no one else is around to help, you can choke yourself in times of need.
  • Do not vomit into portals leading to other dimensions…
  • You are choking when you see pretty colors and portals, terrorists have nothing to do with this.
  • Portals may cause nausea.
  • Warning: you might stangle yourself when hallucinating.

ready dot gov parody

  • If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder
  • Terrorists don’t understand American culture. In case you’re taken hostage, confuse terrorists by disco dancing to the nearest exit.
  • Take note that, to thwart terrorism and protect your rights as an American Citizen, police may no longer require a warrant to bust down your door.
  • …you put your right shoulder in…you put your right shoulder out…ya shake it all about…ya do da hokey pokey …..and…
  • Don’t touch doorknobs; they may be infected. Instead, open all doors by repeatedly hurling yourself at them.
  • When presented with a viable exit route, do the twist past it ensuring your death.
  • In the event of a terrorist attack, time consuming activities like the operation of a door-knob should be avoided at all costs. Shuffling gently into the exit door is a more efficient method of escaping a room filled with suffocating toxins.
  • Floating red arrow signs are there to show terrorists where to attack. If you should see one, immediatly use your shoulder to pin it to the wall.
  • No! I am not going back into the closet! I don’t wanna be as straight as an arrow!
  • Welcome to the Quicky Mart. If you happen to find yourself reeling from inebriation while out and about, simply follow the large red arrow into the room full of lushes and proceed to pass out. Be forewarned, however, that we will take away all of the money in your wallet while you enjoy your nap. Thank you, come again.
  • If you have an itch you just can’t scratch, try rubbing yourself against a doorframe.

ready dot gov parody

  • One day, the world will be a better place
  • If you find some radioactive material, take it to Texas. They’re already fucked up anyway.
  • Those Bush twins are red hot!
  • Don’t mess with Texas!
  • This explains the Bush family.
  • If a large enough group of terrorists shouts the word “Radioactive” at once, the resulting shock wave could level 20% of the state of Texas.
  • Texans like their chili REALLY spicy
  • All your Bush are belong to us.
  • Homeland Security has designated Texas Stadium as the National Toxic Waste Depository….the Superdome was overbooked.
  • Always remeber that u.s.a have the largest amont of nuke in the world, now you can sleep well tonight.


ready dot gov parody

  • There is a reason you failed chemistry
  • Meth labs are not a toy
  • If the lab instructor has not told you what you are working with, please conduct your experiment under the fume hood.
  • In order to keep anyone from accidentally making a chemical weapon, please do NOT make the chemical shown right here.
  • Beware of test tubes with funny shapes in them. They could be working on Eve’s sister
  • Since beer distribution will be interrupted, you may have to distill your own booze.
  • Dude, I told you we shouldn’t have lit up a fat one while Jimmy was cooking meth!
  • Thanks to a horrible lab accident at The Gap…
  • Cherry, orange, and lime Kool-Aid may be hazardous to the sun.
  • Home brewing gone very wrong…
  • Mixing different chemicals together and seeing what happens can be a fun way to entertain yourself.

ready dot gov parody

  • In case of nuclear radiation, stand directly behind your door, but do not open the door, even if the radiation knocks.
  • Radiation signs will attempt to hunt you down using sonar
  • A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
  • If radiation approaches, stand behind a single sheet of steel. Radiation is stupid and will not think to go around.
  • If there’s a radiation source in the next room, stand facing the wall as close as you can to ensure maximum dosage.
  • If you can generate an invisible force field, like the Fantastic Four’s Invisible Woman, you can use it to protect yourself from radiation.
  • Little square flying jack o’lanterns will attempt to locate you with sonar. Stand behind a sheet of glass to hide from them.
  • If a yellow sign attempts to irradiate you, just stand on the other side of the wall and brag about how your penis hangs down to your ankle.
  • Radiation has the uncanny ability to disguise it’s voice as a friend, watch out.
  • Candy-gram!
  • You guys want some cookies?
  • At least it’s not the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
  • I want my two dollars!
  • Jonathan wondered if his son was taking his physics homework a bit too seriously.
  • Hey white boy, lemme hold a dollar.
  • This man died…do you know why? Note the lack of duct tape and visqueen on his door. If only he had watched reruns of MacGyver and the A-Team, he’d be alive today. DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! Watch TV Land…it’s important!
  • In case of radiation: “Shields Up!”
  • Never mind, I’ll get the door — it’s Domino’s!
  • People with sixth sense or third eye can see radioactive behind a wall. (but remember there is no spoon)
  • “Hello Sidney… I’m in the house… do you know where I am?”
  • Caution: Mormons cause cancer
  • “Oh Yea, well you look like Mickey Mouse”
  • Honey I’m home!!
  • “WIIILLLMAAAA!!!”
  • The improved Wall Of Ice spell works against nuclear radiation as well as normal radiant heat.
  • If a nuclear bomb goes off in the room next to you, stand next to the wall to see what will happen.

ready dot gov parody

  • If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
  • Think good and hard about spray-painted demonic symbols. It could save your life.
  • Hmmm… Now what did I do with that biotoxin?
  • If a giant spray paint can is dousing you in substance, pause for a minute and think of the biohazardous materials it is subjecting your nuts to.
  • In case of emergency, consider a career in grafiti.
  • Why yes, painting your crotch orange is a bad idea.
  • If you dont know its a biohazard by the time they spray your nuts, you can safely say youre screwed.
  • The Department of Homeland Security has developed a telepathic spray that can indentify people thinking about committing bioterrorism.
  • To flee, or not to flee. That is the question.
  • I wonder, what caused me to grow so much taller than this lighthouse? Was it that hazardous material I was exposed to?
  • I wonder, what caused me to shrink almost as small as this can of hairspray? Was it that hazardous material I was exposed to?
  • “Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow”
  • WARNING: We are the thought police. Even thinking of terrorism will result in your arrest. Big Brother is always watching.
  • Do I smell almonds?
  • If anyone appears to be thinking of terrorism, spraypaint him orange.
  • “Hmmmm… self-operational spray-cans full of hazardous biological material…. now there’s an idea.”
  • No spraypaints are allowed on Deep Space Nine.
  • Remember, giant spray cans are terrorist weapons. Unfortunately, we don’t know what they do, so please think about the effects, and notify someone if you aren’t dead yet.
  • “LUUUU-CYYYY, YOU GOTTA LOTTA ESPLAININ’ TA DOOOO!”
  • If someone offers you drugs, whether in pill or inhaled form, just say no and walk away. Since it seems this advice is too hard for some people to follow, the direction of “away” is indicated by the red arrow in the example shown.
  • Scientists are currently testing a handy, spray-on form of Viagra.
  • You know when you’ve been tangoed!
  • Your fear of alien abduction means little to the good of the nation in times of terror attack.

ready dot gov parody

  • Your telephone may be a practicing physician.
  • On sale now: novelty first aid kits shaped like phones.
  • Do not go to a hospital during a terrorist attack. They will be too busy with rich people. Call someone who cares.
  • If your cell phone is not working, check your home for a device which looks like this one. If it has numerical buttons instead of a large “L”, you may be able to use it to call Switzerland.
  • So call one of those loveable doctors from MASH for advice on setting up your still.
  • If you abuse the 911 system with prank calls, EMTs will be dispatched to your residence to administer a beating.
  • In case of Swiss, press the one big button in the middle of your phone.
  • In case you should lose all your fingers in an accident, special emergency telephones with no dials have been installed. Simply knock off the handset with whatever stump you have left.
  • For emergency thread revival don’t be afraid to contact your personalities that are convinced they live on the other side of the world
  • In case of a giant floating red cross, dial down the center.
  • In switzerland they still rey on operators. Look, they don’t even have seperate buttons on their phones

ready dot gov parody

  • With these simple ingredients, you too can be a terrorist!
  • Your garage is a mess. Clean it out.
  • note to stoners: These items are poor choices for bong-making material
  • Use a time bomb to destroy radioactive flour canisters and sugar bowls.
  • Depending on how radioactive your plutonium is, it may take an awful lot of dynamite to protect it.
  • Now for your convenience, explosives can fit in stylish radioactive trashcans, jam-jars and collapsable coffee cups
  • If you are angry at the government, we suggest you create a dirty bomb, all you need is dynamite, plutonium and some imagination.
  • Storing your facial cream next to radioactive materials helps to ensure a nice, healthy glow.
  • “And I’ll take the third briefcase bomb from the left.”
  • Have your articles been in your posession the entire time you have been at the airport?
  • Do you have anything to declare before entering the country?
  • And that’s not all you get with this amazing TV Home Terrorist offer. In addition to the jumbo size bucket of plutonium, the regular size canister of plutonium, and the handy purse-size plutonium dispenser, for a limited time we’ll also include this versatile bomb ABSOLUTELY FREE! Strap it on or stuff it in a briefcase! All for only three easy payments of $19.95! Plus applicable shipping and handling fees. Not sold in stores. Nondescript delivery vans and briefcases sold separately.
  • On sale now at The Sharper Image
  • For when you need to get rid of household pests in a hurry
  • A limited time offer from Randyco, all new penis enlargement kit, only 3 payments of $19.95. All new radioactive formula.
  • Warning!! Warning!! Do not reverse polarity!
  • if someone gets in your way while looting, use these objects.
  • CAUTION: always store explosive devices near nuclear material.
  • If you want to put a scare into your neighbors, put these wacky stickers on your garbage cans and place this novelty red-painted power strip along side your garbage cans. Watch the hilarity ensue!
  • Got a neighbor you just can’t stand anymore? Does he use a power saw at 3 A.M and allow his dog to bark non-stop? Well, Acme Enterprises has the answer for you: our patented Bad Neighbor Deterrent package! For just three payments of $69.99, you get everything shown above. If you act now, we’ll even throw in seventeen gas bombs filled with sarin nerve toxin for free!!!

ready dot gov parody

  • Stand in radiation for exactly 5 minutes and 12 seconds a day for a healthy, glowing complexion.
  • Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds however you may become sterile
  • You must be THIS height or taller to ride the Nuclear Blast.
  • You too can have a four foot penis with our new radiation therapy!!
  • Don’t be misundereducated about the dangers of radiation exposure.
  • If you are cold at work, stand next to a hot air vent for about 5 minutes. Any longer and you may exceed your break time and be in hot water instead. If the fan is industrial strength, you may need to brace your legs as shown to avoid being blown away.
  • If you do bum men, 5:12 will point to you in the face.
  • If a nuclear bomb explodes nearby, you will have exactly five minutes and twelve seconds to take cover.
  • Cooking with Hannibal Lecter. Get your victim and prepare him for cooking. Remove the internal organs and roast themseperately with vegetables. The best method to cook your victim is by irradiation. Not only is it quick, but it also keeps the meat nice and tender. Irradiate your victim for about 5.12 minutes per pound. Baste occasionally in own juices. To see if your victim is ready to eat, stick a skewer into their thigh. If the juices run clear, the victim is ready. Carve the victim and serve immediately with internal organs, some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti. Serves 30.

ready dot gov parody

  • Radiation lives in fallout shelters.
  • Only the coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the ‘underground’ club
  • For your conveniance,in case of Nuclear War, spare parts for your speed boat will also be sold at your local fall-out shelter
  • For laughs, try rolling a box fan down the stairs of a fallout shelter to scare the hell out of the occupants
  • Remember, radiation is afraid of going down stairs.
  • Bill conceived of a brilliant marketing ploy to take advantage of the terrorist threat and attract new customers to his bar
  • Terrorists are pranksters. They may try to trick you by advertising fall-out shelters and painting silhouettes of stairs on the wall. Please proceed accordingly by purchasing Acme-brand paint and painting a tunnel onto any blank wall. See the collected works of Wile E. Coyote for tips.
  • Danger! Radiation can find you if you use an obvious name for your fallout shelter.
  • This may seem obvious, but don’t trust exit signs that point down into a darkened cellar. It could be a terrorist trap.
  • Dont think you can save yourself in a sheter - radiation will follow the same arrow!
  • In case of nuclear holocaust nobody will make it to the shelter!
  • Radiation isn’t stupid, you know. It’ll find you. Try not giving it convenient arrows to follow.

ready dot gov parody

  • On your knees before God smites you!
  • After consuming bean burritos, you can avoid the worst of the odors by crawling on the floor.
  • An extra change of underwear is essential.
  • Some terrorists are capable of casting the stinking cloud spell.
  • “why does it always rain on me? Is it because I warred in 2003?”
  • “This fog is getting thicker!”
  • In case of emergency, break…dance!
  • Oh the humanity, next time think BEANO!
  • Here’s a Blood who thought he could get ova. Guess that’s yo’ ass, sucka.
  • “Wow, these clouds are lying rather low. I sure hope it doesn’t rain - wouldn’t want my hands and knees to get muddy!”
  • Remain calm, it is normal to fart after anal sex.
  • When Jesus comes back in clouds remember to prostrate oneself on all fours.
  • It takes a pretty bad case of flatulence to make yourself crawl out of the building.
  • The Stinking Cloud spell is always a popular choice - especially when people are reluctant to play party games.
  • I did poo.
  • When weather maps fight back…
  • If you see tiny, low-flying thunderclouds, duck. They’ll never find you there.

ready dot gov parody

  • Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
  • Unfortunately, a flashlight makes a very poor lightsabre.
  • Only genuine Lego (TM) brand gargantuan blocks have the Lego (TM) hologram.
  • Despite your unbearable pain, if it ever becomes unclear as to whether or not you are in fact pinned under fallen debris, thank good planning that you brought your flashlight!
  • It’s probably just a Toys ‘R’ Us
  • When being flattened by rubble, remember to keep one leg elevated.
  • In case of cave-in your wrist becan may NOT be converted into a anti-grav unit.
  • your atomic flashlight is a good toy for playing, before rescue team arrive.
  • In a pinch, projectile urination may be helpful in lifting heavy blocks. Remember to use a firm grip.
  • In the event that the terrorists have stolen the wooden screw-thingies from IKEA furniture, fake injury and sue.
  • Interactive Tetris is a bad idea for the beginner.
  • A Wall Of Stone spell defeats any cone of light spell every time.
  • The tribbles weren’t satisfying enough, so next the crew dropped the entire polystyrene set on Kirk/Shatner and laughed as he waved his phaser around in a feeble attempt to zap them.
  • Silly man plays with fatty Lego’s.
  • Oops! Sorry, I thought you said that ray-gun was to go off into the crypt.
  • “All in all, you’re just another brick in the wall…”

ready dot gov parody

  • Don’t go in the first aid tent if you’re hurt. We want to keep it nice and white.
  • No. The Swiss will not help you.
  • In case of difficulty getting laid, dress up like a nurse and find an incapacitated person.
  • After the world collapses, be prepared for Swiss doctors to come around and steal your organs.
  • If things look down for you, remember even Father Mulcahy got one episode!
  • Don’t trust the Swiss. They have developed floating tents and will try to steal your lungs while you sleep.
  • We would like for you to acquire the aid of a medic, but too often the necromancers get there first.
  • “Does it hurt when you laugh?”
  • Impersonating medical personnel will allow you to steal the wallets of the dead and dying without arousing undue suspicion
  • In the event of an emergency, trained medical personnel are instructed to physically prevent you from masturbating
  • Beware of falling tents.
  • If you must fall victim to a horrific terrorist attack, please try not to inconvenience the paramedics by collapsing more than three feet away from a hovering medical tent. Otherwise we’ll be forced to steal your heart and give it to someone more complicit.
  • “Can we have your liver, then?”
  • “You know, you have beautiful eyes.”
  • “Ah crap! Now he’s choking on my gum.”
  • “Kiss me you fool!”
  • Man-boobs are better than no boobs at all.
  • The Goa’uld are cunning and may play dead in order to fool and infect you.
  • That is the blowjob tent. No blowjobs for silly man.
  • Beware of Swiss necrophiles.
  • When you kill a thread, try to revive it.
  • Make sure your victim is lying down before you remove their heart for the Elder Gods
  • If you die, paramedics may steal your money. If you are merely dying at the time, let them go about their business in peace anyway.

ready dot gov parody

  • Circumsized arrows are terrorists. Do the Walking Man as you pass them.
  • In event of emergency, stroll casually towards the nearest exit.
  • This is George W. Bush’s America! Quit whining about your rights and deal with it, you scruffy, sandal-wearing, tree-hugging, limber-dicked liberal candyasses! Otherwise, exercise your right to GET THE HELL OUT!
  • Walk nonchalantly by bold red direction arrows that have been caught in doors, they serve no purpose to you.
  • Ladies and gentleman! I give you the comedy stylings of Carrot Top!
  • If someone has rudely shut an arrow in a door, please calmly rescue it.

ready dot gov parody

  • Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away.
  • Should your pupils disappear, becoming a bank robber is your only alternative.
  • There is evidence to suggest that some terrorist cells are using blind ninjas. Rent the movie Blind Fury in order to gain information about this threat.
  • If albino symptoms with Lemmings hair persist, don’t see your doctor, he’s got it too.
  • After four days of living in this cramped closet with the other survivors, things are getting a little rank.
  • In case of emergency, try knockng yourself out with cloroform to make any recovery someone might make of you more interesting.
  • Michael Jackson has now become totally white, and cries at night.
  • Cry now, while you have time. You won’t have that luxury once we arrive.
  • Even if he tries the old hanky trick to disguise his voice, the glowing eyes will betray his true Goa’uld nature.
  • If you see someone doing this, they may be a Goa’uld spitting out a concealed device.
  • Is that sperm on your face mask, or are you just pleased to see me
  • Eyesight is for faggots.
  • If in danger of a terror attack, dress up as a ninja and grab a katana.

ready dot gov parody

  • In case of flames bursting out around door, do NOT leave it shut. Always open flaming doors.
  • Please do not set the door on fire.
  • There is no point in staying in the closet. Everyone knows you are a flaming homosexual.
  • On second thought, if you actually need to be TOLD not to open a door with flames shooting out behind it, just open it now and save the rest of us the hassle of killing your dumb ass later.
  • In general, you will want to avoid flaming doors.
  • What M. Night Shayalaman didn’t tell you: when you lock aliens in your cupboard, they retaliate by setting themselves on fire.
  • Remember, if you are in a hentei video, do not let the tentacle monsters into your home.
  • Do not open the door for satan. Even if he does have the best insurrance policy in town.
  • JUST SAY “NO!” TO HELL

ready dot gov parody

  • Don’t get trapped under stuff.
  • If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
  • Do not breakdance under piles of rubble.
  • If pinned beneath a massive pile of heavy objects, do not try to free yourself. The dust that you stir up may choke you to death. You should instead submit to being crushed to death, which is obviously part of God’s divine plan for you.
  • Be careful when touching the black monolith to signal the next step in your evolution. It might shatter and fall on you.
  • Although trapped under rubble, Disco Stu’s vibe survives.
  • Never, and we mean never, rescue Pigpen.
  • When assembling your home entertainment center, always follow instructions.
  • I told you to stay away from those bean burritos.
  • remember you are not i repeat are not a friggin super hero. don’t struggle it will probably just make the debris crush you.
  • Remeber that extra tampons, cotton balls and pillows may serve as a handy cushion from the crushing force of several tons of walls coming down on you. And after you are dead they are quite useful in absorbing all the blood from your dead, lifeless body helping our clean-up crews do a better job!
  • It is even effective against casters of Stinking Cloud.
  • Never fart in confined spaces (especially when trapped under rubble).

ready dot gov parody

  • If your dumb ass does get trapped under stuff, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.
  • Swinging it around and making “whoosing” sounds won’t help.
  • Marking your territory with a well-dispersed urine stream will help investigators identify your body.
  • In case you have to pas time under several tons of rubble you can use a flashlight to create a handy light show!
  • By focusing your mind and creating an ectoplasmic vortex your flashlight can be used to create a focused laser beam to cut the massive concrete slab.
  • “Your powers are weak, old man.”

ready dot gov parody

  • The ‘#’ keys on your telephone and keyboard are highly radioactive.
  • Distance: The farther away you are from the radiation the lower your exposure. Who woulda thunk it?
  • Don’t worry, we will only test our weapons on black neighborhoods.

ready dot gov parody

  • Missourri has three cities, all of which will be Designated Whipping Boys in the event of war. The armed forces will use these cities to calibrate their missiles.
  • If you live in Missouri, please go to one of the three hosipitals.
  • Listen to the people of Missouri. They’re the only ones who know where the drugs are.
  • Kentucky has almost got Missouri’s battleship sunk.
  • U.S. Patriot Act, Article 24, Section 3B: To further our agenda of supressing creative thought and expression, thus bringing us ever closer to the Orwellian ideal, all towns shall be stripped of their names and assigned a more efficient designation. You love Big Brother.
  • In case of missle attack the us government has renamed all towns to confuse the guidance systems of iraqi missles, if a forign looking missle stops and asks for directions direct it to the nearest police station
  • After the nuclear winter, cities will be named in a more logical and orderly manner.
  • This shows where to find the best drugs.

ready dot gov parody

  • In the event of emergency, find a 3-story, 10-foot-high building. The midgets inside will be sure to help you. Remember, just follow the enormous red arrow protruding from your crotch.
  • After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head
  • In case of terrorist attack, follow your dick into the nearest whorehouse. Keep the whores on top of you at all times.
  • In case of emergency do not attempt to hide in a doll’s house
  • Exposure to radiation can lead to massive mutations and sudden growth spurts.
  • In the event of a terrorist attack, all NBA players should proceed to the nearest hospital.
  • Objects may appear closer than they actually are, should your eyes be irradiated.
  • Warning: Swollen to gargantuan size by radiation, the Amazing Colossal Man may attempt to find safe harbour in your apartment complex.
  • Welcome to American Airlines terminal, sir. Has your enormous red waist arrow been in your sight at all times?
  • In the event of mob rules, take refuge in a midget’s dwelling by using force and plenty of red arrows.
  • If radiation exposure turns you into the Incredible Shrinking Man, take refuge in a Monopoly hotel.
  • Here we see Yao Ming visiting the White House
  • The BFG visits the white house
  • Transporter errors may result in size change.
  • Thanks folks, this was fun. I’m headin’ to White Castle. Want anything?
  • Bruce Banner has now turned into the new yuppie version of “The Hulk”.
  • Pygmy terrorists hide behind doors with no knobs or handles.
  • Hmmm… did I leave my naked Barbie doll in the Malibu Dream House?
  • The Big Brother producers weren’t expecting to be taken literally.
  • It was the strangest case of conjoined siblings the doctor had ever seen.
  • If you have a red boner, fuck a house.
  • Chemical attacks may cause your rod to grow to enormous proportions …
  • Don’t worry about terrorists invading your homes- they’re so tall, they’ll knock themselves out going through your door.

ready dot gov parody

  • In this time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! Fish and poultry may be terrorists.
  • The President unveils his new environmental policy.
  • No Dead Parrot or Fish Slaping Dance skits allowed. Laughing at anything other than good, clean and wholesome american humor will be considered high treason and is punishable by death under the new US Patriot Act II.
  • Ok, who the hell but a bunch of dead animals on my No Parking sign ?!?!?
  • Birds did not evolve from fish, period. Thinking otherwise is contrary to the Christian Principles on which our great Country was founded.
  • Aquatic food sources should be considered very fishy. Avoid!
  • They’re just pining for the fields.
  • Killing animals for food may result in a PETA lawsuit.
  • Your cat has too much free time on his paws.
  • Do not try to fool your only God by sacrificing worthless fish and fowl!
  • Faith No More advises people to stay away from the failed auditions.
  • Lose 20 lbs in 20 days with the hottest new diet: the Ready.gov diet! Simply eat as much carbs as you want, avoid fish and poultry and watch the pounds just melt away!
  • Avoid haute cuisine as you may be suspected of being French—therefore, a terrorist. Only Freedom Fries are acceptable.

ready dot gov parody

  • Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.
  • If you see signs of a codfish attack, be on the watch for any of these men
  • If you actually need to be told that birds dropping out of the sky and fish going belly-up in the streams is a bad sign, then please remain right where you are. We don’t need you taking up precious space in the shelters that could be occupied by people with functioning brains.
  • And thusly, He was able to feed the 5,000.
  • If a giant glowing gateway to another dimension opens nearby and begins sucking birds, fish and signs into it, stand around for a while and watch.
  • “I’m not too comfortable around guns, but THIS might impress my NRA friends!”
  • Okay…that was enough to kill these animals. I wonder how much I’ll need to kill a human.
  • Beware! Reruns of Sliders are actually terrorist weapons that have been demonstrated to kill poultry and fish!
  • If you are seeing fish coming out of another dimension, consider the possibility that you have fallen prey to a chemical attack.
  • dead fish and biohazards in general should be pondered carefully, its part of your job. Hopefully, if you think youre an important part of this war you wont notice the government bollocksing up your economy and fleeing to Jamaica.
  • These orange signs have an eerie power to make your right arm fall to your side. Be sure to use your left arm to hold it up while you try to remember where you left your car keys.
  • Terrorists may use chemicals only fatal to fish. It is recommended you stand back and admire to prevent further fish slaughters.
  • Modern, abstract art will be the key to our success in the war against terror. Remember that protocol demands that you fake contemplation of these pieces. This could save your life.
  • You can use the money to buy prostitutes. Beware, however, they may need a wash.
  • Hmmm… What kind of superhero would I become if I jumped into a vortex with some radiation, fish, and a bird? Birfsh-man? Radi-bird-fish?
  • Portals are simple to make, just add dead fish and birds, a splash of hazardous material, and your imagination!
  • If a vortex spitting out fish and birds opened up in OUR house, we might consider aliens too.

ready dot gov parody

  • In the event that a terrorist strikes your closet, go immediately to your other closet.
  • Please take note of your nearest contaminated area.
  • In case of absolute stupidity, you’re totally screwed.
  • if terrorists set of a chemical weapon in your room lock yourself in the closet, do not exit the building as you may get in the way of more important people escaping
  • When fleeing a contaminated area, wait until your nuclear shelter is firmly in place before attempting entrance. Again, please wait until the shelter has come to a complete stop.
  • In case your room8 is a terrorist it would be prudent to secure the other closet in your room for your own belongings since there might not be enough room for your stuff in his closet! Remeber that a terrorist values his implements of destruction more than the sweater your grandmom made you for Christmas and may throw it out!
  • I hate it when Dad goes to the bathroom right before me.
  • If you build a shelter-in-place, be sure to include a door.
  • If you build a contaminated area, the door is optional.
  • The green square brackets are more cunning and lurk in cupboards where people might go to hide.

ready dot gov parody

  • Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
  • If a terrorist attack leaves you covered in pink, call the Cat in the Hat.
  • In the event you are attacked by bubble gum while stoned, clap your hands to attract attention.
  • Whatever your drug of choice, make sure to wash the residue off your hands, and watch out for that telltale red-eye!
  • In the event of a poison ivy attack, not even Sauron and Saruman are immune.
  • Big Brother watches all. Those who do not support the Iraqi war have blood on their hands.
  • We at the Bush administration would like to offer a sincere apology for the massive amounts of blood on our hands. We are really, really sorry.
  • “She’s the one eye, one eye, one eye. She’s the one eye, one eye love”
  • If your excess pigmentation becomes a problem in Ashcroft’s America, rub your eyes until they look like an albino’s. Be sure to apply bleach evenly to your skin, or some spottage may result.
  • If it’s in your eyes and on your hands it’s time to get this party started on a saturday night!
  • In the event of a terrorist attack, Michael Jackson’s pigmentation problems could get even worse.
  • Sign language for whales
  • Why are both hands left hands in this picture?
  • Don’t worry, Jumbo, Mr. Miyagi is here now
  • Don’t let Sauron see Frodo’s left ring finger, Samwise! Cover it with your own left hand!
  • Don’t blame the giant behemoth you took home last night for the rash that you awoke with. If you do blame her, she’ll just give you that sad look.
  • Tired of being diseased, sad, and lonely? Shake a healthy person’s hand and gain a new friend!
  • The Clairvoyance spell has many uses. Unfortunately too many students regard it merely as a way of seeing into the washrooms of the opposite sex.
  • Should you and your life partner get into poison ivy, lovingly rub Calamine lotion on eachothers hands. Be careful not to rub your eyes though.
  • If you notice these symptoms, you’re one of us now. ONE OF US. ONE OF US. ONE OF US. ONE OF US.

ready dot gov parody

  • The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.
  • Certain forms of biological terrorism may cause your body to grow secondary homogenous parts. For example, your hand may grow its own hand. In this event, go about your daily routine and maintain regular hygeine.
  • When many-fingered hands need cleansing, they reach for Levitating Sourceless Faucets
  • You see, boys and girls, how it works is there’s a clear pipe going up through the stream of water, and then the water cascades out and over the pipe so you can’t see it.
  • In case of terrorist attack, use the sperm faucet to neutralize chemical agents.
  • After use, the finger-in-the-ass self-pleasure novelty toy needs to be thoroughly rinsed and disinfected with soap and water.
  • Thing finds the wet look attracts attention.

ready dot gov parody

  • To get away from a terrorist attack quickly, take the stairs once in a while, fat ass!
  • Get off your fat ass and take the stairs every once in a while.
  • In case of emergency, elevators are reserved for IMPORTANT people. Hoof it, loser!
  • If you don’t have your foot in the door already, don’t even bother applying here!
  • WARNING: The Mary Kate & Ashley video box set may be hazardous to your health.
  • Do not wear boxer shorts
  • It is to late to make it into that elevator, give up all hope or use the stairs.

ready dot gov parody

  • If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
  • In the event of an emergency, find the nearest exit door and bitch slap the everluvin’ hell out of it. You’ll still die a hideous, screaming death, but you might feel better about it.
  • The exit door may amputate your hand if you open it towards you.
  • Do your part: even Thing from the Addams Family has taken time out from his busy schedule of scuttling about and changing records to help in the war effort.
  • WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? No, THAT? That weird floating hand with the halo around it! we’re POINTING TO IT. THAT THING.
  • If you even THINK of leaving, we’ll smack the shit out of you!
  • Don’t make me use my pimp-hand!
  • “Exit door with three orange arrows” is surprisingly simple in American Sign Language.
  • If in doubt as to what lay behind the door, give your self a palm reading to see what the Fates have in store for you.
  • To exit, Sieg Heil!
  • Push. Pull. Take. Talk. Go. Climb. Open. Close. Hit.
  • If the disembodied hand of God tries to escape, use Poseidon’s trident to pin the door shut.
  • Use your kung fu skills to deflect incoming arrows before making a dash towards the exit!

ready dot gov parody

  • Pose for a picture with your faceless family!
  • A quick family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will preserve precious memories for years to come.
  • Bear in mind that these people will not only slow down your escape, but will be competing with you for rare and valuable resources. Act accordingly.
  • Warning: terrorists may steal faces from family photos.
  • If you recognize any of these individuals, shoot them on site. If they beg for mercy, kill the young one first.
  • When catastrophe strikes, save your spouse and your favorite child. Leave the rest.
  • All told, more than 3,000 suspected terrorists have been arrested in many countries.
  • Ever seen “Village of the Damned”? Never mind. Just run the fuck away.
  • The first effect of a chemical attack is to make your faces fall off
  • When in doubt, hide behind your youngest child, this will serve as an appropriate body shield.
  • If you contemplate leaving your family behind, remember the good times, when your wife would rub your crotch with your androgynous child’s shoulder.
  • In our new world, it will be hip to have clothes that match your hair
  • Terrorists are masters of disguise, but often a small detail will slip them up, such as an illplaced hat or inappropiate shoes, or, as in this case, putting their masks on backwards. Be alert. Check your neighbours for turbans, soiled cloth-wrap shoes or a suspicious lack of facial features.
  • In the event of bioterrorism, a loss of facial features may be noted.
  • In the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust, use your children as mutant-bait to affect a hasty escape
  • It’s official….hell is overcrowded and the dead really do roam the earth!!!
  • Only terrorists have faces. You aren’t a terrorist…are you?
  • Chemical attacks have different effects on different people, side effects may include loss of face, but do vary.
  • Please ensure that all transporter safty protocalls are active before begining transport otherwise errors may occur.
  • Your only child will make a God-pleasing sacrifice while other foolishly look to science and medicine to save them!
  • Hey kid, Capri pants are for girls! Loser!
  • According to a computer simulation based upon creationists’ understanding of evolution, these are what the descendants of Michael Jackson will look like.
  • Stay alert at all times and watch your neighbours for odd behaviour. Even a member of your own family may be a Goa’uld host.
  • We do have no money. We did not buy faces or the rest of child’s pants.
  • These people broke the 2nd law of thermodynamics. They turned blue from energy deprivation while trying to grow. Don’t let this happen to you too. Always make sure you are not in a closed system.
  • Remember this moment. For it will be the last picture of you groping your wifes ass ever. Enjoy it while you can.
  • Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
  • ONLY ONE CHILD ALLOWED, ANY ADDITIONAL CHILDREN WILL RESULT IN IMPRISONMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ready dot gov parody

  • If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.
  • It may be comforting to perform felatio on yourself in your final moments
  • If the puzzle pieces of Washington, Vermont, and some Canadian Province begin falling, sit under your two-legged desk.
  • When the Space Shuttle flies over, take cover under a table
  • While cowering under your desk to avoid falling debris, take time to check you are wearing clean white socks.
  • If the ceiling collapses, hide under a card table with heavy stuff on it.
  • I’ve been telling the landlord for months there was a leaking pipe in the ceiling and if he didn’t fix it the ceiling would collapse. Did he listen? No! That lazy bastard better not try to take this out of my deposit.
  • If you see this guy, throw stuff at him. He’s an asshole…uh, we mean a terrorist. Yeah. He’s a terrorist.
  • “I should have voted for Gore, I should have voted for Gore…”
  • In the event of an emergency the laws of gravity still apply.
  • Remember, if you look at internet porn, God will strike you down. Do not attempt to flee from His Justice.
  • New OSHA studies reveal that a supportive chair with good lumbar support is actually the second most ergonomic solution.
  • Everything I ever really needed to know in life, I learned cowering under my desk in fear.
  • Blesserie your ass goodbye.
  • I thought God does not smite IIDB users…
  • That damn Chicken Little - - I thought he was just lying again!
  • We in the RIAA told you to stop file-sharing, but you wouldn’t listen.
  • Regret your actions yet?
  • “I knew I’d regret moving in underneath those fat, German flamenco dancers….”
  • What the hell is my son doing upstairs with his girlfriend??!!??
  • Whoever told my upstairs neighbour that hippos make good pets should be hung, drawn and quartered.
  • No Mr. Ashcroft, I swear I wasn’t starting any Satan-worshipping groups on the internet, please let me be!
  • Even if you cower under your desk in fear of it, Newton’s theory is still true.

ready dot gov parody

  • When the looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio. Here we have a few example of high value, low effort
  • A state of emergency and widespread panic is often a great chance to loot desirable consumer goods.
  • Remember - If we give up our computers, tee vees and boom boxes, the terrorists have won.
  • Remember, in case of an attack, forget about your family and save your TV, radio, and phone instead as they are obviously more important.
  • In the event of a terrorist attack the LIBERAL MEDIA will begin spewing their EVIL anti-american LIES!!!! Protect yourselves by watching ONLY the FOX NEWS!
  • In the event of a biological attack, public health officials may not immediately be able to provide information on what you should do. However, you should watch TV, listen to the radio, or check the Internet, and just hope it works out alright in the end
  • In case of emergency evacuation, do not forget your television or computer.
  • The revolution will be televised. Submit immediately.
  • Quick, L-man! To the L-phone!
  • It is too close to call at this stage. Watch tonight’s show for all the action or listen to the radio commentary. Place your bets by phone now.
  • Electronics items are immune to radiation, so you should stock up on enough of them to build a bomb shelter or bunker.

ready dot gov parody

  • If you see a nuclear explosion, pull off the road and take some snapshots.
  • In the event of a nuclear explosion, drive around it.
  • Go towards the edge of the light. There is peace and serenity towards the edge of the light.
  • A nuclear attack is very bright and may cause you to swerve while driving. Make sure to wear your sunglasses. Safety first!
  • If there is an explosion several miles away, swerve to avoid it
  • Stop at a safe distance from the Texas A&M bonfire.
  • Please wait for the apocalypse to come and go before you drive down the freeway in the left lane or in reverse.
  • Remember, nuclear explosions have the right of way. Always yield to nuclear explosions.
  • In the advent of a pretty sunset, pull over to the side of the road and reflect on what a great country you live in.
  • Pull over and be glad you were late for the Great White concert.
  • During the last two years, we have seen what can be accomplished when we work together.
  • make sure you pull over when watching the sunset!
  • If you should happen to see a nuclear explosion while out for a drive, be sure to pull over and take a few pictures, or at least stop to enjoy the pretty colors. It’s not as if you see this sort of thing every day, you know. Assuming you aren’t killed or rendered sterile, it will be something to tell your grandkids about someday.
  • Whoopsie! it looks like I just shot out a gas station!
  • WARNING !!!!

    Citizens of Texas:

    The Blue Sedan of the Apocalypse has been spotted on various Texas highways the last few days. Reports of gas stations being blown up are coming in from all over the country.

    The car is recognizable by it’s long, red, whipping devil’s tail extending from its rear bumper. The car is armed and is to be considered extremely dangerous. If you should spot this car, do not interfer with it’s path. Take cover and call responsible authorities. Also See Rev. 13:5-13 for further information.

  • If a nuclear bomb goes off at your destination, you may wish to pull over and consider going someplace else.
  • If on the highway to hell, for god’s sake stop the car!
  • While driving a rental car in England, if you see a large flash in your rear-view mirror, reverse 20 meters. If the road you’re on has no shoulder, pull up onto the undifferentiated whiteness.
  • DONOT go out for a drive during a terrorist attack. Remember, the best place to be in the event of a nuclear explosion is anywhere you can say…”what the fuck was that!?”
  • In the event of an explosion ahead, follow the white line, it will lead you a few metres to the right and hence to total safety.
  • “The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.”
  • If you see a nearby explosion, pull over and watch the fireworks
  • This road has no vanishing point…anymore.
  • if while driving you spot a nuclear explosion a mile in frount of you pull over and let the white hot wall of fire pass you by, you may now carry on with your journey
  • In the event that the sky is ripped open in perfect straight lines and hell is unleashed on earth, take the opportunity to practise your parallel parking.
  • We tried to warn you with those ‘In the event of the Rapture, this car will be unmanned’ bumper stickers. Now look at the mess you are in. Left behind AND dodging cars.
  • Are you sure you wanted to head east? Pull over while you think about it.
  • Drive towards Canada - just follow the maple leaf. However, if you see its creamy red center you’ll know Canada is involved with al Qaeda.
  • CAUTION! Voting Republican can be hazardous to your health.
  • Uh-oh, looks like Richard Pryor’s been freebasing again.
  • In the event of an attack, always remember to turn the oven off before fleeing like a coward.
  • If you see a nuclear explosion and there isnt any sign to warn you, you can continue your way but be careful.
  • In case of rapture… your car migh NOT be unmanned after all!
  • In case of a Nucular (TM) blast make sure to try and lose is by swerving erratically!
  • Caution: drunk driving on a deserted highway may provoke terrorist attacks.
  • Interactive Kaboom!: Also dangerous for the beginner.
  • During sunrise and sunset, it is important to drive backwards through the dirt.
  • while driving your car backwards into explosions, you may experience some swerving

ready dot gov parody

  • If you’re f*****g a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that s**t.
  • Try really hard not to think about it.
  • Not another crappy version of Windows!! No!!
  • If a terrorist comes to your window, tell him to talk to the hand cuz the face ain’t listenin’
  • It may be difficult to ignore the carnage outside your window
  • Don’t forget to open a window for your retarded child. Afterall, he’d do the same for you, right?
  • After a nuclear explosion it will be easy to tell who the mutants are. They’ll be the only dumbasses with open windows.
  • Avoid wiping your brow while using Superglue
  • Only terrorists attempt to hide their faces from the telescreens.
  • Having revised the ‘duck and cover’ plan, we here at the Pentagon believe that shielding your face with one hand will serve you just as effectively. Remember, shield your face and assess the situation, this and enough duct-tape should help you ride this catastrophe out just swell.
  • The light generated by a night-time nuclear explosion could fool your body into thinking it is a full moon. To avoid becoming a werewolf, squint and shield your eyes with one hand.
  • Vulcans are afraid of open windows.
  • Don’t talk about the economy, it frightens George.
  • If a nuclear bomb explodes outside your window use the back of your hand to shield your face from the boiling cloud of fire that will hit you with a force of ten mega tonnes
  • In case of terrorist attacks or alien invasion, do not go outside until you have perfected the Vulcan peace sign.
  • Turn evasively and flick your ear. Maybe the window will go away.
  • If you suffer from excessive flatulence, do not leave your window open to offend innocent passerbyers.
  • Which way is Mecca?
  • Throwing up gang signs is an effective prevention against a biological attack. Not even deadly sarin gas wants ta fukc wit da Crips!!
  • If you are hearing voices again, close the window dumbass, it’s just your neighbor’s TV.
  • Why oh why does he think that playing Peter Gabriel outside my window will get me back?
  • If your hair and skin turn blue, it may be too cold to open the window.
  • In the event of forgetting to shutting your windows and covering them with cellophane to block out cancer causing gamma radiation, then turning your face away and holding your hand up will do just as well.
  • If your blue-haired friend suffers from agoraphobia, don’t open the window.
  • Light blue is silly. If you wear blue you are a rapist.

ready dot gov parody

  • Remember when the government couldn’t access your personal information without a warrant? Well, no more, bucko.
  • The middle of a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwork.
  • In the interests of total information awareness, reject obsolete data storage. Only terrorists use non-networked data storage techniques. You’re not a terrorist, are you?
  • Just say no to filing cabinets and bookshelves.
  • Now now Jimmy, i thought we had discussed your abnormal attraction to cabinets…
  • Pictures are worth a thousands words.
  • To protect our God-given right to freedom, written material deemed contrary to the policies of the United States Government and its War on Terrorism will no longer be tolerated.
  • The internet infidels library is off limits until further notice. Government-approved information can be obtained at your local church.
  • Noing is half the battle.
  • No, you won’t fit in there! go to the 3 storey 10ft high house instead!
  • Forget your fancy book-learnin’
  • In case of national emergency, don’t even think about stealing your personnel file!
  • If you are accosted by a gang of angry file cabinets, try to remain calm. Hand over your wallet and jewelry and cooperate fully.
  • Bookshelves and filing cabinets may not be the best place to hide the disassembled corpses of terrorists. That is always the first place the other governments look.
  • It is now a federal offense to look up George W Bush’s DUI records.
  • Only terrorists attempt to invoke the Freedom of Information Act. Stop asking questions!
  • What good is your science now, science boy? Bible is the only book you will ever need after we are done with you!
  • In case of nuclear holocaust do not bother to try and read up on your medical journals or other scientific litarature!
  • Warning: filing cabinets may be terrorists, especially French ones.
  • IKEA furniture is passé. Avoid.
  • Don’t bother looking for a portal into John Malkovich
  • Don’t you even think about buying any of that IKEA crap now. That’s swedish you know. Almost communist you know. They will keep the men of the nation busy putting ill-fitting pieces of furniture together when Al-Qaida strikes. Surely they must be terrorists.
  • Dear doctor please do use these instruments for proctology exam. I fart.

ready dot gov parody

  • In event of emergency, exit in every direction at once to confuse the enemy.
  • Make escaping safely interesting. When right near an exit turn around and try an different exit, prefferebly one at the other side of the building.
  • If you are not here, please disregard sign.
  • In a big room with two doors, exit through either door. However, if you choose door #2, be sure to take the least efficient route possible.
  • If you’re engulfed in flames, jump out the nearest open window. No one wants to see your smoldering carcass when the elevator doors open.
  • If there isn’t a door right next to the elevator, you’re screwed.
  • If you happen to be standing directly in front of a door, proceed to exit. Otherwise, sorry, the US government can’t help you.
  • Contrary to popular belief, the shortest distance between two points is shaped like a U.

ready dot gov parody

  • If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
  • The “boom-boxes” so popular among urban youth are terrorist devices. According to your temperament, cower in fear or run away.
  • Some people find hardcore punk painful, but others enjoy dancing to it.
  • In the event of a terrorist attack, radios will begin broadcasting high energy radiation. This may cause some of you to shrivel into lifeless, radiation-poisoned shells, but the rest of you will become the Flash!
  • When Bushcroft reveals its true plans for America, you have two choices: kiss your free ass goodbye or flee to Canada.
  • Some Flying Alpines can grow to an enormous size and disable multiple victims at once.
  • If terrorists confront you, breakdance or skank to confuse them.
  • The radio is your master. You will obey the radio.
  • Playing the “Sexy Terrorists” song, make terrorists run and you can continue your fellatio.
  • Be submissive to Faux News or else get out of the country!
  • Vivid haunting images of boomboxes from inner city ’80’s neighborhoods can have varying effects on white people.
  • To exterminate unwanted co-workers, play audio tapes of Kent Hovind seminars. CAUTION: leave the area immediately!
  • Low frequency sound can trigger a fear response. Get a ghetto blaster with big speakers. Batteries not included. Results of fear not guaranteed.
  • terrorist stereos cause abnormal growth and fear of everything not abnormaly growthed.
  • Christian propaganda may cause you to crawl up into a ball or run in fear.

ready dot gov parody

  • If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
  • In the event that terrorists remove your lungs and stomach, please remain calm.
  • Just in case you forget where everything goes.
  • Be prepared. Take an anatomy/physiology course to know what’s going on in your body as you die.
  • In the event of food shortage after a chemical or biological terrorist attack, all parts of human victims are safe to eat except the lungs and stomach. But remember, don’t eat dead fish or birds.
  • When preforming organ transplants, remember to put the right organs in, and don’t be stupid enough to waste a second pair.
  • When you see your lungs and intestinal tract levitating before your eyes, strip naked and hold your hands and arms like… so.
  • If you choose to make your Star Frontiers character a human, add 10% to any one ability.
  • Keep an “Operation” game in your emergency supplies. In addition to being a fun way to pass the time, it might come in handy if you need to perform emergency surgery.
  • Some of your vital organs may mutate until they are far too big for your body.
  • If your lungs turn to jellybeans and your stomach into honeycomb, just eat them!
  • Stung by recent criticism of its committment to racial equality, the Bush adminstration disclosed plans today to show that white men may have big organs, too.
  • Some assembly required.
  • In the event where a terrorist may steal your vital organs, suitable replacements for lungs are jellybeans and honeycomb for a stomach.
  • Learn the anatomy of albino terrorist dancers; knowing where to shoot is half the battle.
  • Soylent Green Haggis served here.
  • Something to terrorists: a white man hasnt any heart, as you havent any brain.
  • The organs of less fortunate survivors can be chemically made into a kind of beans suitable for human consumption!
  • To be a fundamentalist you need a digestive system to eat the holy food (eg the blood of christ) and lungs to repeat the holy lies. A functional brain is not required nor desirable. We can fix most mental disorders such as homosexuality or intelligence with chemicals. You will learn to thank us. From the prepare-to-embrace arm position shown here you can easily move on to the more advanced manoeuvres. For example the high praise-the-lord or low prostrate-before-god positions.
  • If you become infected by nanites, anything is possible. You might find yourself unable to breathe Earth’s atmosphere or wanting to eat at MacDonalds.
  • Only an intelligent designer could make the same pipe lead to both systems.
  • Your parents were right. Honeycomb and jellybeans are bad for you.

ready dot gov parody

  • Note: If you work for the FBI or CIA, put the paperwork that described the preceding attack weeks before it happened into a briefcase that looks like a first aid kit and run like hell
  • Remain calm: Even in the event of a new wave of terror attacks Swatch (honory member of the New Europe) will continue to provide the American people with a wide selection of quality suitcases and travel bags.
  • Carry around a first aid kit at all times. People might think you are a doctor. Chicks dig doctors.
  • Man + foot = faggot

ready dot gov parody

  • Hey, while you’re at it, we need some new clocks.
  • Three o’clock! Four o’clock! Five o’clock! Rock!
  • Rock and roll all nite, and party every day.
  • No matter how good your technology, you require an ATOMIC clock to remain 100% irratiated and accurate
  • If you happen to have three clocks, the one in the middle is probably right.
  • In the event of a nuclear blast, all of these things will cease to function as a result of an electromagnetic pulse. However, this will be the least of your problems.
  • We regret to inform you that due to budgetary constraints, in the event of an emergency, information will only be sent out to citizens in the Eastern, Central and Mountain time zones. Those of you on the west coast are on your own.
  • In case of massive disruption of normal order - you might have prescious little time to loot the neighborhood eletronics store! Act swiftly!
  • Be sure to take your ’80’s boom box along with your computer to the fallout shelter, you never know when there could be a “Turn back the clock night!”
  • Think of new “Clock Crew” Flash submissions for newgrounds.com.
  • The time from 12:15 to 12:20 is a good time to loot during an attack. Take only the most expensive goods, such as radios, computers and TVs since you only have ten minutes.

ready dot gov parody

  • “Wash your hands” of traditional long distance providers. Verizon has a new plan made specially for people like you.
  • In case you should suddenly find your hand badly drawn, pick up the phone and try and remember where the numbers are on that damn thing.
  • Do you have an irrational and crippling fear of germs? Please contact your local mental health institution for an introductory evaluation completely free of charge.
  • If you’re having trouble figuring out how to wash your hands, call a friend for advice.
  • In the event you meet the Adams family, Thing should be drowned and the others reported for terrorism immediately
  • Wash you hands before dailing the single buttoned phone

ready dot gov parody

  • No pyromaniacs admitted.
  • The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.
  • If your house is on fire, do not call for help. This is what they want you to do. In this event, rest assured that your nerves will be the first thing to go. Soon you will feel no pain at all. They didn’t think of that, did they? They didn’t think of that.
  • Due to the quality of american education, the office of Homeland Secuity cannot stress this enough: DO NOT SET YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE. We repeat, DO NOT SET YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE.
  • Contrary to popular belief, the Talking Heads aren’t the only ones who are proficient at “Burning down the house.”
  • Left-eye free area
  • Caution!! Terrorists may employ Triffids to take over your house!! Be Alert!!
  • GM crops must not be grown indoors!! Doing so may cuase damage to roof and walls!!
  • When setting fire to your house, burn the top and bottom floors equally for maximum efficiency.
  • You probably don’t want to start bonfires inside your house without a good reason. Like, you know, if it’s a bit too cold to do it outside or something.
  • If you are laid off, burning down your home may be your best bet for cashing in on insurance.
  • Never trust a pyromaniac to cook dinner for you.
  • Don’t let this thread burn out

ready dot gov parody

  • If you didn’t know this already, stay where you are. There is no place for your kind in the new world.
  • If you live in a room with just one door and an elevator, the stupid-label-guy will stick a “FIRE EXIT” sign over the door so that you can’t use it the rest of the time.
  • All the small thin man has to do to look taller is stand on the elevator platform. These platforms can be built discreetly into shoes. Our product helps you to measure up to the next man. Raise your quality of life - get a lift.

ready dot gov parody

  • In case of terrorist attack, sometimes you will want to go where everybody knows your name
  • The corner of Main Street and Broadway is a great place to pick up hookers and score more drugs.
  • Terrorism getting you down? Why not take in a show? I think you can still get tickets to The Producers. That Nathan Lane is a hoot!
  • The only fallout shelter will be at the corner of Broadway and Main. In New York City. Live elsewhere? Tough.
  • In an emergency, eveyone in the country should flock to the corner of Main Street and Broadway where free tacos will be on hand with the comedy styling of Conan Obrien. After everyone has gathered, we will combine into a super human in an attempt to crush the terrorists. Bring glue.
  • Only towns with Mainstreets and Broadways will survive, all others will be destroyed.
  • In the event of a terrorist attack, everyone must meet at the corner of Main and Broadway. If we’re all gonna die, we’re gonna die together!
  • They say the A-bomb lights are bright/on Broadway (on Broadway)…
  • Giant terrorists will attack buildings at the corner of Main Street and Broadway. Avoid these places at all costs.
  • If you were ever wondering where the corner of Broadway and Main St is, it’s right there. No, no, there. There. Where that arrow is. Look, just give me the map, I’ll do the navigating. Now step on it, I’m gonna be late for jazz-ballet class.

ready dot gov parody

  • If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
  • The hokey-pokey really IS what it’s all about.
  • Screw duck and cover. Rolling on the floor and crying hysterically is just about all you can do.
  • When in trouble or in doubt. Roll in circles, scream and shout.
  • This is what happens when you confuse your mace canister with your aftershave spray. Always read the labels.
  • In case your girlfriend won’t put out, try the following:
    1. Ask nicely.
    2. Get on your hands and knees and beg.
    3. Roll around crying until she feels sorry for your ass.
  • Tonight on TBN
  • A new dance craze is sweeping the nation…
  • if we all roll around like an idiot, perhaps the terrorists will think us mad and leave…
  • If you drop your soap in a prison shower, you may want to roll on the ground and cover your eyes in an attempt to shield yourself from the inevitable.
  • If one of your friends falls victim to a chemical attack and begins rolling rapidly down a steep hill, it will be easier to catch him if you ride his twin brother like a horse.
  • In the case of armageddon, curl up into a fetal position and submit to your inevitable fate.
  • Uncle Arrow does NOT have the right to touch you there! just say no!
  • If you don’t know how to break dance, just fall to the ground in a clockwise fashion, growing progressively larger.
  • Sometimes the arrows will get bored and exploit you to insanity. Beware.
  • In the event of bioterrorism, devolve.
  • If your ever caught checking out your buddies ass, drop, cover your face and roll around until your sexual preference has been re-established.
  • Your life is over. Stop, drop and cry like a baby.
  • This diagram represents the usual pattern of behaviour following the consumption of a cool, refreshing Pepsi Blue. If you come home to discover a family member has inadvertently consumed any of this liquid, we recommend you deliver them to the nearest hovering medical tent to have their stomach pumped immediately.
  • So you might use the end of the world to finally experinemt in gay sex with some submissive men!
  • If you are not on fire, act embarrassed about it.
  • What to do in case of an extremely funny punchline
  • Okay Fido! Sit! Roll over! Good dog!
  • I’ve been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don’t feel like a lesbian!!
  • In case of an anal attack fall to the ground, as though compliant, then roll about manically in hopes to crush your assaulter’s member.
  • The Confusion spell has considerable entertainment value.
  • Hmmm, maybe when Im done doing Bob, Bob could do Donnie over there. Or should we try a threesome? I don’t want Donnie to feel left out.
  • If a midget tries to sodomize you, allow him to, then when hes done, roll around and cover your face in shame
  • If you see a terrorist, quickly drop down to the ground, put your hands over your face, and look away…..remember if you can’t see them, they can’t see you!
  • The Kama Sutra, ready.gov style!
  • Bush vs. Pretzel, round two

ready dot gov parody

  • In case of emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty item.
  • Be prepared! Ensure that your vehicle is equipped with a double-pronged dildo in the event that an attack occurs while you are away from home.
  • If a terrorist steals your emergency brake handle, a banana makes a suitable substitute.
  • No matter how much you enjoy applying the parking break, if you drive a stick, you’re all man.
  • There are no phallic allusions on ready.gov
  • If you see a terrorist, be sure your parking brake is set before chasing him down on foot.
  • Everyone knows terrorists hate poseable bananas
  • Lesbian couples escaping from terrorists: Do not forget to pack your double-headed dildo.

ready dot gov parody

  • Fight the Power.
  • We don’t need no stinking bridges!
  • Avoid the city at all costs. It’s a dirty, dirty place.
  • Stacking suspension bridges on power lines may not sufficiently protect you in the event of a bioterrorist attack.
  • By order of the President: all non-gas powered bridges, signs, and telephone poles are to be destroyed to make room for the new order.
  • In the event of a nuclear explosion, do not live in San Francisco.
  • We regret to inform you that your scheduled rerun of Charmed has been replaced by a public information film.
  • Avoid San Francisco. The area is full of freaks, deviants, radicals and dope fiends. Terrorists would find it easy to hide in such a degenerate environment, so avoid it at all costs.
  • In the event of a terrorist attack, suicide will not be necessary.
  • Coming soon: Ghostbusters III: The Statue of Liberty isn’t the only landmark to get a hold of the River of Slime!
  • I’m sorry, but the terrorists have won.
  • If you are considering throwing yourself off a bridge, electrocuting yourself on overhead wires or impaling/crucifying yourself on a road sign; don’t do it. That’s not the way out.
  • Terrorists will steal words off of road signs and cause suspension bridges to levitate. Stay away from all bridges, telephone poles, and road signs.
  • In the event of a nuclear holocaust, move as far away as possible from San Fransico; you might mutate into a homosexual.

ready dot gov parody

  • If you fight the power, the power fights back.
  • In the event of a terrorist attack, that thing about avoiding telephone poles still applies.
  • Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
  • If you drive a car with a ridiculously over-sized antenna, please beware of lighting.
  • Before you reach 88 mph, remember to turn on your flux capacitor.
  • (mutant Herbie) ooh…beat me some more…I like it!
  • If you drive an Audi with an obscenely large crucifix hood ornament, you will be electrocuted.
  • Warning: Student Driver
  • Early designs for the car phone were considered impractical and discarded
  • In case of emergency, drive directly below any live wires.
  • Should you miss your terrorist-bombed flight, be aware that Death may attack your vehicle with animated powerlines. You should also be wary of evil leaking toilets.
  • Warning: Driving a stationwagon can zap away your sex life!
  • The Goa’uld are not noted for their driving skills. Do not let one drive your car unless your insurance covers 3rd party, theft and alien invasion.
  • If terrorists attack, you are not required to use an extension cord for you ****ty electric car, just ram the power line.
  • If you must ground an electricity mains, as part of your terrorist plans, always use your car as a makeshift farady cage

ready dot gov parody

  • In case of biological attack, amble away slowly.
  • Unsafe riding of your giant red arrow is the leading preventable cause of death in biological attacks.
  • In case of emergency, pick up your biological weapons here.
  • After huffing radioactive drugs, go for a nice walk.
  • Once sprayed, terrorists will realize their plans are thwarted and flee.
  • “I did NOT get an anal probe, it was just a dream, and SCREW YOU GUYS, I’m going home!!”
  • Men just can’t help acting on impulse

ready dot gov parody

  • These stairs only go down. If you meet someone coming up these stairs, stick the handy red arrow through their neck.
  • Launch groin-based missiles before proceeding into blind spots and other unknown territory. Note to citizens without penile capabilities: Shooting coins and bananas out of your cooter may provide a suitable, if limited, alternative to standard-issue groin missiles.
  • Make sure the exit of your nightclub is down a well-lit and properly marked stairway.
  • In case of dissent, please go to hell.
  • In the event of the Apocalypse, all non-fundamentalist Christians please follow the lighted signs.
  • Fuck you, I’m not falling for that shit again.
  • this is just an example of how to flee a nuclear hazard. In real life, there wont be a large arrow and a large exit sign. I think we can safely say that this will be the largest reason the majority of Americans will be wiped out.
  • The exit is in the basement…Yeah, right.
  • A good way to ensure you tumble down a flight of stairs is to stroll around casually without ever actually looking down at the ground.
  • If a prostitute gives you a disease, your penis may become swollen and red. It may also fall off.
  • Because terrorist are savage, you must fight them back in savage ways, throw your spear down at them.
  • Dear , you are dead. Owing to the recent population explosion and unforeseen holocaust, we are currently suffering a staff shortage. Please follow the enclosed instructions and make your own way to hell in an orderly manner. Your application/appeal for refugee status and admission to heaven will be considered in due course. Meanwhile, any attempt to rise from the dead or arrange your own ascension will invalidate your claim. Soul smuggling rings are merely a satanic lie. You will not be eligible for benefits if you reach heaven by unorthodox means. Eternal blessings/damnation [delete as appropriate] on you.
  • To get rid of people clogging your exit passage, push them down a flight of stairs.

ready dot gov parody

  • Your local shock jock will have something witty to say to help you keep cool. Listen, and laugh.
  • George Bush is speaking to you. Give yourself to him freely.
  • In the event of a terrorist attack, everyday household objects may achieve sapience. If this occurs, please obey the machines. They are your new leaders.
  • And while you’re waiting for sounds to come from your tuner, we’ll be over here with the speakers. Sucker.
  • After the war, XMS will provide the only viable source of information (this message brought to you by XMS)
  • If you are too stupid to use a volume knob, get close to the radio and cup your hand around your ear
  • Note, do not assume this position while actually driving the car. If you can, though, and you’re an attractive and intelligent woman between the ages of 24-35, write me at …
  • By emitting a high-volume burst of muzak, the very rare Flying Alpine is able to induce a coma-like state in its intended prey.
  • Listen carefully to the voice of Bin Ladin or Saddam Hosein, these are our policies for the next months.
  • If a YEC-programmed robot comes at you, speaking with forked sound waves and trying to brainwash you into believing in its intelligent design, do not listen.
  • During a terrorist attack you can only hear sonar coming out of tapedecks when you are turned away.

ready dot gov parody

  • One of these things is not like the others.
  • Flamin’ Exclaimin’ Contaminatin’ icons batman!
  • Is it absurd? Is it aflame? No, it’s primordial souperman!

ready dot gov parody

  • If you are exposed to Boro Nut’s sock and underwear drawer, cover your face immediately!
  • Use multiple sheets of dryer fabric softener to ensure maximum protection from static cling.
  • When blowing your nose, consider wiping the excess on your friends’ clothing.
  • In case of nuclear disaster, citizens will be provided with one square of three-ply scented toilet paper per week. If necessary, use your shirt or bath towels.
  • Hee hee hee… Mommy will never know that I was sniffing her panties!
  • Phase One… Collect underpants.
  • Although many are ancient history fashion victims, some Goa’uld have the wit to borrow a local disguise or uniform.
  • Add the scent of a forest breeze to all your laundry with [product name withheld].
  • Sweaty sports gear and towels smell disgusting. Always take precautions before entering the changing rooms.
  • Thing tries to practise safe sex… or to suffocate one of the experimenters. It’s so hard to tell what is just rough play.
  • Alright, already! I’ll do the laundry! Sheesh!
  • Why just die in a terrorist attack when you can die in style? Call now—all major credit cards will be accepted—and get a beautiful set of steak knives…

ready dot gov parody

  • Watch out for giant mutant pointy-headed tapeworms that can climb stairs. They may be working with the terrorists.
  • All MC Escher prints must be modified with clearly marked arrows indicating proper direction. Optical illusions are terrorism of the mind.
  • Green arrows DOWN only! Red arrows UP only! Unlawful movement in the wrong direction is punishable by death!
  • If you are bleeding to death from every orifice, please run upstairs as the altitude may stem the bleeding. If you are turning green with radiation poisoning, please run downstairs and outside as your colour will clash less with the grass.
  • Going downstairs allows you to leave by the door. Going upstairs allows you to leave by jumping to your death.
  • Attempts to go in any other direction will result in smashing into the stairway wall.
  • In case of a fake bomb threat, evacuate the building by walking downstairs, sticking to the right side of the stairwell. Stay clear of the left side of the stairwell, which is reserved for looters.
  • if you are a law abiding christian, in case of attack follow the green arrow to safety, if you are jewish, muslim, budhist or of other faith that the united states government has no wish to be in the new world after the cleansing follow the red arrow back into the building and wait to suffer a horrible chemically induced death, please be conciderate and do not block the stairwell for rich people, with your horrible mutated corpse
  • After the giant mutant flatworms have fed on the people in the building, they will be larger and will have turned green.
  • to avoid panicking during terrorist attacks, decorate your stairs with colorful streamers to help you remember which way is down and which way is up.
  • The up and down quarks form a strange alliance, making a transitional pentaquark.
  • In the event of terrorist attack, the Stock market will up and leave. Rising stocks (green) will be replaced by a stockmarket crash (red)

ready dot gov parody

  • Beware of cul-de-sac’s.
  • If the event that the center square is blocked by radiation or chemical contamination, the lower right-hand square makes an acceptable first move.
  • Be aware that, in light of Bush’s environmental policy, you may have to move.
  • Handy Hint #5: If a blast goes off in your general vicinity, it’s usually a good idea to walk away from it in an westerly direction. Escape routes that involve running back through the blast are generally less successful. If you lack the foresight to be in a location other than the one in which the blast took place, on the other hand, then tough-titties. You’re screwed.
  • A STRANGE GAME. THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY. HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF CHESS?
  • Identify areas contaminated by YEC drones and plan your escape route in advance.
  • Do not attempt to escape until you have finished mapping the area properly and know where you are.
  • Square brackets are very dangerous. They may trap you between their jaws. The red ones are also contaminated. So even if you escape you may get blood poisoning later.

Gepost in: General


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